millennium | ten

Recently, the minikitchens near where I sit have been stocking Kettle Chips. I have a huge distaste for Kettle Chips, so intense that I typically avoid them unless I am starving. Here is why:

Kettle Chips in my mind represent part of what is wrong with Snack Foods in America.

They are without a doubt among the worst chips I have ever eaten.

It used to be that there was no flavor or kind of chips I didn’t find appealing. That was until Krispa launched their Garlic and Parsley flavor in the mid 90s. It’s gone downhill from there, but (as any of you who’ve read my chip-rants in the past know) typically the New Zealand chips outstrip the American ones.

What’s wrong with Kettle Chips?

Firstly, their innovation is wrong-headed. I will hand it to Kettle, they innovate regularly with their large variety of flavors (the lack of flavor variation or experimentation among the mainstream brands is one of the biggest complaints I have with American chips), however the flavors they come up with are frequently just weird or nasty. Consider Cheddar Beer. Even the Spicy Thai isn’t that great. Island Jerk is pretty awful too.

Something’s up with their potatoes and oil too, because the chips frequently taste odd or crappy.

But I think the biggest issue I have with Kettle is that they (and their adherents) actually think that they’re making higher quality chips than Frito Lay, when in fact this could not be farther from the truth. From what I can tell, the folk at Kettle have either never heard of Quality Assurance, or simply don’t believe in it. Fairly often, most (but always some) of the chips in the bag are horribly burned. See photo:

There was a time when Bluebird would ship a few of these gems in their bags too, I remember it was back in the early-mid 80s, before they developedquality control and began throwing away the burned ones before they were packaged. I don’t know how the folk at Kettle Chips seriously believe that they’re making a good product this way.

These chips look bad, feel bad (they’re extra greasy) and taste bad.

But that would be OK, because typically market forces would conspire to limit such a product’s success and ultimately the company would adapt or die, right?

No, in fact people here seem to enjoy these burnt offerings… and the company advertises proudly how they take extra steps to ensure their products taste like crap - no MSG for instance (part of this irrational fear America has with the substance - it’s used extensively everywhere else and no one seems to mind). People seem to think that the low quality, burned chips actually are a sign of a better or higher class product!

I have had this debate with people who like Kettle Chips before and there’s no reasoning with them. The best test is to actually give them samples of chips from abroad. Typically once trying them, it’s hard for anyone to admit that Kettle (or in fact very many brands available on the West Coast of the US) are better.

Yes I know New Zealand has some weird flavors - Smoked Salmon and Capers or Lamb and Mint come to mind, but it’s easy to tell that that’s going to be nasty and avoid them. And New Zealand does not have a monopoly on good tasting and decent quality chips - see the delicious Bacon and All Dressed varieties in Canada from companies like Old Dutch, the delicious Cheese & Onion from Tayto in Ireland, or Paprika from (of all people) Lay’s in The Netherlands.

I sometimes wonder if the situation here will ever change - the problem is once a particular flavor gets lodged in the American consciousness it’s hard to dislodge, I think people become dependent on the sickening sweetness or chemical flavor undercurrents in much of the processed food available here, and companies then become terrified or uninterested in changing them because the markets are so large.

But really, this is the business of boutique companies - companies like Kettle, which is why I guess I’m so disappointed in their offerings.